Friday, March 1, 2024
Opinion

I Rank the Dragon Age 4 Concept Art on How Much I Want to Date Everyone

As most BioWare fans are aware, when we get crumbs, we can make it last for weeks. That was the case when BioWare revealed a video about the ‘behind the scenes’ of Dragon Age 4, a video that showed concept art, new creatures, and so much more. The video ended with a piece of art that revealed what might be the new protagonist of Dragon Age 4, as well as a selection of new characters that I most definitely want to date.

You may think ‘Aimee, this is stupid. You don’t know anything about these characters’ and you’re 100% right. It is stupid, and you may even argue that it’s a fluff piece that doesn’t deserve to be published at all – hell, you may even call it clickbait. You’d be fair in saying that too, but in all honesty, I have no reason to write this article out of anything but the rampant desire to convey how ready I am to smooch all of the Dragon Age 4 companions. Despite, y’know, knowing jack all about them. Apart from they have sexy silhouettes. Just look at that lens flare!

This will definitely age poorly, so please remind me of this article when Dragon Age 4 releases and I find out that there’s a really terrible reason why I shouldn’t, or couldn’t, date these fine pixels. Thanks in advance!

1 – I’m thinking a solid 8/10 in the ‘I want to date’ category. I’ve always been a sucker for hoods, capes and the like, and honestly if it ends up being a character that looks exactly like Katie McGrath in BBC’s Merlin, then that 8 may go right up to a 10. They’ll probably either be the snarkiest member of the new companions, or the one with the most tragic past. Perhaps both? Yes, both is good.

2 – A female Qunari? Sign me the HECK up! She’s tall, has incredible horns and in the other concept art that I’ve seen of her, looks like she takes no shit. 1000/10, please let me kiss the Qunari lady as she regales me with stories about how she got that massive scar on her thigh or something. I’m easy to please, honest.

That said, if BioWare makes her straight? I will not hesitate to throw myself into a pit of scorpions. I’m just saying.

3 – I’m guessing this may be the ‘teased’ Grey Warden character, Davrin. Either that or he is just a huge fan of the Wardens, but we all know how that turned out last time, now don’t we Blackwall fans? Jokes aside, I’d give this fella a 6/10 because while I love the cute bandana, if I have to hear about the Grey Wardens one more time? I will cry.

4 – I’m convinced that this is the new protagonist in Dragon Age 4 – and while there is a 0.01% chance that I could end up on a date with an evil clone of myself, I don’t think that this is the route BioWare is going to be taking this game.

5 – This person has a gun and I’m so shocked at the thought of guns being added to Dragon Age that my ranking for this silhouette is a solid 0/10.

6 – I like hoods but I have no clue who this person is. That said, I do like their shoulder pads. Those are some sexy shoulders. 6/10.

7 – I don’t mean to worry anyone, but I’m pretty sure that’s Lucius Malfoy from the book series by Hatsune Miku. Lucius Malfoy was a snake, super racist and definitely didn’t pay his taxes. -1/10 from me.

8 – This person has no face, but what looks to be a crystal ball for a head. I’m okay with that, because I distinctly remember having a crush on Jennifer Tilly’s disembodied head back when The Haunted Mansion movie released in 2003. For that reason alone, a 6/10.

That’s my ranking – now what about yours? Does your heart flutter for a buff qunari lady, or are you more of a crystal ball kinda person? Let us know in the comments below!

Aimee Hart

[She/They] Aimee Hart is Editor-in-Chief of Gayming Magazine. She specializes in queer fandom, video games and tabletop, having started her career writing for numerous websites like The Verge, Polygon, Input Magazine and more. Her goal now is to boost LGBTQ+ voices in the video games industry.