Video game tutorials that make more sense than the UK’s COVID-19 Guidelines

When your country is known as the laughing stock of Europe, the only answer is to feel disgusted with your government and try to make yourself laugh. Because if you don’t? You’ll just start crying, and I only cry when video game tutorials are so confusing that I’m left curling up in a ball and wondering where it all went wrong.

Video game tutorials are in almost every game, and for the most part, mostly make sense. However, some video game tutorials are just so damn evil, so damn dastardly, that you’ll be left wondering why God has forsaken you so early on and uh, when can we actually get to the main game?

Confusing as they may be however, these are the video game tutorials that, despite the frustrating things they put us through, at least make more sense than the UK’s COVID-19 guidelines.

Driver

Driver has evolved into a game that even I, someone who barely tolerates driving in video games, am interested in getting in and speeding around in the various cities and towns of the USA.

But that wasn’t always the case. When Driver first released in 1999, it involved a tutorial that was incredibly confusing as you were permanently trapped in a parking lot with a list of things you needed to do: reverse, do a 360, etc, etc. Though if you think that sounds easy, let me just tell you this: Driver never tells you how to do these things. It just expects you to know.

To make things worse, you get failed automatically if you hit your car a few times. Meaning you’ll need to do the whole thing over and over until you get it right.

It’s almost as annoying as being told one thing, then another thing that opposes what was just said. How is anyone supposed to gain information with instructions like that?

I’m talking about Driver, still. Promise.

Crusader Kings 2

If there’s a game that will leave you more confused after the tutorial than before it, it’s Crusader Kings 2. I’ve played that game for far too many hours, and let me tell you something: I still don’t know how to use ships. Or knights. Or anything closely resembling anything that isn’t my King or Queen at the time. I’ve tried, okay? I just don’t get it.

You may be thinking, ‘Aimee, there are YouTube videos that explain everything.’ While that’s true, there are plenty of videos out there that paints Boris Johnson to be the next Mother Theresa, however after watching them, I’m still confused on why anyone’s opinion of the man isn’t that he is just a giant, walking penis. One that would be willing to chuck you and your family to the wolves.

Anyway, thanks for nothing Crusader Kings 2. Let’s hope Crusader Kings 3 treats me with a lot more kindness than the UK government treats its people.

Final Fantasy 10’s Blitzball

When I first played Final Fantasy 10 — which included a Tidus with a much prettier face than the one we’ve got now — Blitzball was my life. Of course, I didn’t understand a single word of it, but that didn’t stop me from ignoring the main quest and becoming a Blitzball star. Sort of how, unlike 8 year old me, the government can read but still decided to risk the lives of our children in order to keep the capitalist machine chugging along. But I digress.

Don’t get me wrong, the Blitzball tutorial isn’t super bad and as a matter of fact, is very detailed. It’s just so long, and it includes a lot of numbers that in retrospect, pretty much tells you to just hope you have enough HP or points left to shoot the ball. Now that I’m older, I realize how frustrating it is. Fun, but frustrating.

I’m still going to become a Blitzball star though, just you watch.

Wolfenstein: The New Order

While writing this, I slowly began to realize that maybe a lot of the tutorials I found confusing, most other people didn’t. But to that I say ‘BAH’, because as the UK government will tell you, it doesn’t matter what the rest of you think – only the ones who hold power and for now, that’s me. When you look at it like that, it makes talking about Wolfenstein: The New Order feel a little weird, doesn’t it?

Weirdness aside, one of the first things that Wolfenstein tells you to do is free the cargo from the plane you’re in. It’s pretty simple, and it even displays the objective on the top left corner of the screen. Solid stuff. There’s no way you can get this wrong.

So, you push the cargo out. And wait. But waiting doesn’t get you anything but the plane blowing up in your face with a RETRY screen. What gives, huh? I cut the cargo and it sailed out into the sky. Why in God’s name am I getting blown up still?

The answer is because I didn’t end up going back up the stairs to trigger a cutscene. It’s that easy. But I spent an hour browsing through internet forums asking people what was wrong with my game, confusing myself and them. A bit like the UK’s COVID-19 guidelines, eh?

Conclusion

Ignore Boris Johnson. Stay at home, keep safe, and most importantly: don’t be a dipstick.

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