Wednesday, November 29, 2023

I Can’t Stop Being a Gay Mess in My Tabletop Games

Tabletop games are the bane of my existence and trust me when I say that isn’t a bad thing. No, tabletop games are incredibly appealing in many ways, some of which I’ve already talked about when it comes to matters of identity and the exploration of that.

There’s just a teensy weensy, not really a problem, in fact it’s not a problem at all, situation that I find myself falling into no matter what character I play. And that’s my inability to stop being a gay disaster around very capable, kickass women.

I’m thankfully in groups that are very accepting of my ways, and we’re all close enough that inter-party romance is A-OK and often leads to some very humorous situations and the occasional ribbing. That, of course, is usually thrown my way. And I 100% deserve to be teased as mercilessly as I do because I… am just unable not to be a gay mess.

Let me set the scene, dear reader. It was only Sunday night that I, playing my Vedalken Cleric, Petra, stumbled upon a tavern named the Low Lantern. The Low Lantern is a tavern that’s actually a ship that’s been permanently moored, and as you would expect from a tavern that belongs to the lower city of Baldur’s Gate, are filled with some unscrupulous characters.

Myself and two of my party members, an elven Cleric and a Tabaxi sorcerer, were on the way to speak to a very important fella named Amrik. Thankfully, the barkeep, a middle-aged woman calling herself ‘The Captain’ was keen to point us in the right direction. So far, so good.

My character isn’t exactly great with people, but she is trying her best. So, knowing that we might be walking into something that could end in a bloodbath, she attempted to talk to The Captain in order to get some information. It ended up with said Captain blowing me off — and not in a good way — and me sassing her. We exchanged heated looks, before I followed my party.

The Tabaxi ended up signing a contract for a loan. In his own blood. I’m sure nothing bad will happen, but as a character who is a snobby, princess-like gay, you would have thought that better decisions would have been made to stop this. Unfortunately, there were no hot women around to distract me with, so, reader, you should have expected this to go wrong.

We managed to get a loan from Amrik without everyone trying to kill us, and so up we went to get back to the tavern. Captain was there, and was pretty pissy when we decided to go to another place to sleep and get drinks. I flipped her a gold piece. She thanked me in the most sarcastic tone I’d ever received.

It was at that moment that I believe I fell in love.

‘I’m kidding’ actually means I’m not kidding.

But no, Petra was a stone-cold, unflappable, 45-year-old Vedalken woman and I was determined to play it cool. I adopted a snarky tone, told her that she was lucky she received that and was about to get the hell out of there before Captain stopped me, leaned in close, squeezed my cheek and called me adorable.

Yes, she was condescending, and yes if done in real life I’d have probably written a 200-word text to my friends about how I would never be giving that place my patronage ever again. But this is Dungeons and Dragons, gays, and I’m a thirsty mess that’s only function is to fall in love with every woman I see.

Petra left the tavern fuming, but I already had several wedding dresses planned in my head. We’re going to get married, but first we’re going to hate each other’s guts, shared heated glances across the room and flip one another off. It’s going to be wonderful, Oscar-worthy and will definitely be a better love story than Twilight.

If you’re reading this thinking ‘wow, this sounds an awful lot like me’ then welcome to the Gay Disaster club. We come with a hyperfixation for rainbow dice, a love for monsters of all shapes and sizes and ten different character sheets for characters we’ll never play. Enjoy your stay!