As we all know, queer people are haunted. No, not in the metaphorical sense – because really, aren’t we all haunted by our personal traumas? – but literally haunted. By ghosts. Entirely accurate and believable research from the Spiritual Research Foundation claims that in 85% of gay people, same-sex attraction is due to “spiritual causes”, with gay men possessed by female ghosts, and gay women by male ghosts. Or “mainly ghosts”, as the research says.
While this still leaves us with many questions – are bisexuals possessed by one male and one female ghost? Are pansexuals just crammed with ghosts? Do straight men have male ghosts and straight women female ghosts? Are asexuals the only people who don’t have ghosts? Is all sex haunted?! – the indisputable fact is that ghosts are the source of gayness. From this unassailable position, we must therefore presume that the ghosts currently causing problems for a certain green-hued plumber in Luigi’s Mansion 3 on Nintendo Switch are also gay.
But, importantly, how gay? Further, given queer communities’ propensities for categorising ourselves, what type of gays were the ghosts of Luigi’s Mansion 3 in life?
Clearly, Steward was a twink. Young and working a low-paid job in the service industry (but probably has an Only Fans account on the side), he has the youthful but long-suffering expression of someone who lives for the weekend – when he can get the shift off.
What more can be said than:
We’re pretty sure Chambrea is actually the time-travelling ghost of Baga Chipz, trapped in a video game to endlessly relive her most iconic Drag Race UK moment. Prove us wrong.
Kruller’s a bear. He loves his food, works a masc, authoritarian job, but is actually gentle and quite cuddly. Give him donuts and he’s happy.
Somewhere between an otter and a cub – but working in the food industry is tilting him to the latter. Tried to fight off the encroaching ‘spare tire’ as he approached middle age, but tragically died when backing brownies for his board gaming group.
These aren’t even named, character boss ghosts in Luigi’s Mansion 3 but the sight of a couple of chatty kathys spilling the tea over a cup of coffee is probably how most of us will spend the afterlife.
Elder gay, possibly silver fox. Maybe a dash of Liberace. From the boomer generation, he did well for himself and abandoned going out on the scene for the finer tastes of the arts scene. Never married, but had an exotic bird as a pet that he left everything to in his will.
Absolute muscle daddy. Sure, he’s pretty skinny-looking as a ghost, but with that carefully cultivated beard and his interest in physical activities, you know he was at the gym six times a week in life.
That one quiet, slightly odd older guy who’s a regular at your favourite gay bar, but who no one’s ever exchanged more than a nod of recognition with. Slight mildew aroma to him.
The diva. Theatrical. Creative. No one understands their art, their passion, their drama – but they’re more likely to be creating drama off-stage than on. Very hard work, never gets past a second date with anyone.
“Discreet”. No face pic on dating apps, and internalised homophobia makes him feel guilty whenever he kisses a guy. Overcompensates with toxic aggression and performative masculinity. Will blank you if you see them in the street.
With his exagerrated masculine traits, Clem is a drag king. Performs weekly with his troupe, who do a series of pun-heavy riffs on Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel numbers.
A bio-queen, Serpci took the art of drag to glamorous heights with her “Queen of the Nile” looks and fierce stage presence (fierce as in “tries to kill Luigi with sand vipers”, but still…) Has all her gowns made for her.
Nikki, Lindsey, Ginny
A polyamorous lesbian triad. Officially, they’re triplets but judging from the 1920s style butch wardrobe, that sounds like the sort of cover story three women living together would have told the neighbours.
Not gay. Not human. Actually a shark. Might possess you, but not behind the 85% of possessions that make you gay.
Dudebro jock gay. Started off “experimenting” in college, now a muscled power bottom. Despite the name, has never actually done porn.
A femme butch – or futch – who owns her own successful nightclub, making her a power lesbian in the community too. Puts on the best parties in town but has no time for your arch-drama.
Hellen Graveley and King Boo
Hellen is the RuPaul of Luigi’s Mansion 3, perfectly put together by an army of assistants, hair up to high heaven, and beat for the gods. Appears friendly to start with, but cynically rules over a dark empire. King Boo is her Michelle Visage – not actually gay but with a legion of gay followers, and even scarier when she turns her attention to you.
There we go – a comprehensive ranking of the sheer gayness of Luigi’s Mansion 3’s ghosts, an analysis as rigorous and scientific as the findings that ghosts make people gay in the first place.
If you suspect you or anyone you know may be a victim of spectral homosexuality, Luigi’s unique brand of exorcism is available on Nintendo Switch now.