Wednesday, November 29, 2023
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An Open Letter to the People Who Keep Grabbing Me on Fall Guys

Dear Random Chicken Jelly Bean who threw me into the pink abyss in Fall Guys.

The first time I experienced pain was when I tripped over and scraped my knee. I don’t remember much due to being a literal baby, but I was reassured that I screamed bloody murder. Still, it was nothing in comparison to when you dared to hold me on Fall Guys.

We were playing See Saw, my most hated game in this wonderful battle royale from Mediatonic. I had learned that sometimes, patience was a virtue and that waiting could lead to some extraordinary achievements. Most times, this meant that waiting to jump at the right moment is a game-changer.

But I digress. Despite me falling a few times, I was confident that I was going to qualify. After all, I’d been training my whole life for this moment. I may not have known at the time, but I’m certain that God knew, which y’know, is fair enough.

I could see the finish line, and so, I tried my best to get to it without falling off. After five different attempts, with only 10 more spaces to go, I made it to the last stretch with only one other person in front of me.

It was You.

I’ve stated before that I’m not a violent person, and I’m not. I don’t like confrontation at the best of times, not even in video games. But you…You’ve broken me. I’m a shell of who I was. Before this fateful game, I believed I was a sorta-okay-but-not-really-functioning-person. Now? Now I don’t even know who to trust.

You didn’t seem to be doing anything, so I emoted at you. I don’t remember which one it was, but you did it back and all seemed right in the world. It felt as though nothing bad could happen at all, we had established a bond of knowing we were both going to get through, and that’s all that mattered. We even shared a hug. It was risky to be near the edge, but nobody else was nearby. And I trusted you.

This mistake turned out to be fatal. On the outside you appeared to be a funny, funky chicken that just wanted to vibe with a fellow winner, but no, you are something else entirely. A fraud, a coward, an idiot sandwich. Maybe all three. Maybe I’m not making sense, but this level of betrayal is hard to talk about.

I let go of you and proceeded to try and get to the finish line. It was here you made your move, refusing to let go and, with the strength of a thousand betrayals tucked into the darkest depths of your vile heart, leaped…Carrying me with you.

A feral 30-50 wild hogs scream left my lips. It was 3am, my family was asleep and my poor dog had been dozing next to me. Not anymore. Not only had you caused me immediate pain, but my family too. Even in death, your depravity knows no bounds. Have you no shame?

We both warped back to the checkpoint. There were only 2 spaces left now, and a single glance already told me that we weren’t going to make it.

Why did you do it, Chicken Jelly Bean? What did it accomplish? I don’t know what I did to hurt you, but I know that it was nothing in comparison to what you did to me, to us, to my family, and my dog. May you never qualify ever again, and may the slime always touch your foot first.

Love from,

Aimee Hart, Deputy Editor.

P.S: If this story hasn’t made you question just who you can trust, or rather, made you want to hunt down every other Chicken Jelly Bean out there, you’re able to play Fall Guys for free if you have PS Plus. Or, if you’ve got money to spare, there’s always the Steam version too.

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