Friday, March 1, 2024

10 Signs that you were a Gaymer

There weren’t many signs for my poor parents to pick up on the fact I was gay, or should I say a gaymer?

After all, growing up liking video games does give you the edge into liking something labeled as “for boys” by society. 

However, trust the gays to find the gayness in anything! Here are some signs that you were most definitely a Gaymer growing up.

Touch this Skin, Touch All of this Blue Skin!

Character customization is supposed to take seven hours, right?

A character customization screen can be the bane of my existence. 

Deciding what to wear on a daily basis is a nightmare in itself, but to decide on what arms and legs to have too is a whole new ball game. In some cases, you can choose what color those are too.

For me, choosing how to customize your character is, most of the time, longer than playing the tutorial section in any game I’ve played. Of course, it also depends on the game. Is this an online game? Is this a game I want to portray a character that looks like myself, or do I want to feel the fantasy and become a whole new race with blue skin, maybe some sort of orc? All decisions I most definitely will come to regret during the course of actually playing the game.

Have a bite of this Peach

Always love a bit of Peach

When you think of female characters in gaming, Peach is the staple that is known worldwide, with close runners up being Chun-Li and Lara Croft. 

She is the epitome of girly and shows people that she can look like the pretty damsel in distress whilst also smacking people with her booty in Super Smash Bros. If that’s not camp, then what is? 

Now if you were gay growing up, you chose Peach “ironically” any chance you got, in any game. Then on those days you felt a little more butch, you chose Daisy. Now when I say every game, I mean every game. Mario Party, Mario Tennis, Mario Kart, Super Smash Bros… 

Even when you thought there was no option in New Super Mario Bros, along comes Toadette, and lest we forget Peachette! Bonus points if you’ve played Super Princess Peach.

The Best Friend romance

Case. In. Point.

Any sort of LGBT+ relationship in video games were non-existent during the time I was growing up.

These days, there are games such as The Sims, Fable and Life is Strange. Now without sounding like a war veteran, back in my day I had to put up with games which had no gay romance options or even gay storylines such as the older Fire Emblems, Persona, The Witcher, etc.

The only way around this, and to get any sort of romance options, was to get the friendship with the male “best friend” option at the highest, and let your imagination do the rest! 

A lot of these kind of games with no gay options will sometimes have a lesbian option. Unfortunately, this felt as though it was implemented into the game more for the male gaze, and not for equality sake. 

Putting the T in TOASTY!

Mortal Kombat was a safe space.

Growing up in a world that wasn’t too used to gay people, you constantly take notice and see signs in culture, media and society that tell us being LGBT+ is different, controversial and sometimes disgusting.

The same can also be said for the Mortal Kombat series and maybe that’s why we all gravitated towards it so much. Mortal Kombat has always had problems with its violent and gruesome nature, with multiple entries throughout the series being banned in countries like Germany and Japan. So with our rights still being an ongoing battle for us across the globe, we couldn’t help being sympathetic and really seeing a lot of ourselves in this game.

Naturally, if you’re an LGBT+ person who grew up during the 90s, there’s a special place for Mortal Kombat in your heart. I can’t count the number of times someone references Mortal Kombat in drag queen culture and on Rupaul’s Drag Race. 

Obviously the kickass females in the skimpiest outfits are the ones we gays happen to be drawn to, whether that be Sindel, Jade, Milena or Kitana.

You Great Fairy!

Oh Cotera, never change.

With the Zelda series’ cookey and crazy stories, races, and themes, there’s an abundance of unintentionally campy characters. The Gerudo being Amazon-like warriors and the creepily flamboyant Happy Mask Salesman come to mind.

But I know you’re referencing Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time by screaming like the Great Fairy you are! There’s no problem with that. This huge glamazon’s shrieks still haunt me till this very day. 

With each iteration of the Great Fairy she has a few slight changes, but her beauty and campiness have been kept intact. After all, who can forget about the soothing music to accompany her many appearances that makes her every interaction with the player so special?

Extra points if anyone knows SVW’s – “I missed us” which samples The Great Fountain Theme. 

Feeling The Fantasy

‘My Hands’ saved our lives, thank you Ms Lewis.

Final Fantasy are pioneers when it comes to bridging the gap between video games and mainstream media. This is a very bold move considering the niche and nerdy fanbase video games once were, and the mainstream appeal of artists such as Katy Perry and Ariana Grande.

Back in 2010 when I found out Leona Lewis was allowing her song “My Hands” to be in Final Fantasy 13, I was both confused, excited and nervous all at the same time. Since then, Square Enix has worked with a multitude of female artists for their games with Florence + The Machine creating a whole 3 song ep for Final Fantasy 15. 

If all of this isn’t news to you, then guess what? You’re gay.

Just try NOT to Dance

We’re already trying not to copy this darned pic.

When you hear one of your favorite songs in Just Dance, it’s a feeling you have to mask with nonchalant shoulder shrugs.

But as soon as it comes on and you’ve got your Wii remote in hand (or whatever tickles your fancy) you are ready to destroy everyone in physical hand to motion-sensing device combat!

Though when you next hear said song in a public situation, maybe in a club or on the radio, you have to restrain your body from doing the choreographed Just Dance moves. Your body is twitching and spasming from the urge to show off your true talent to the world. It’s almost like being in the closet again, the amount you just need to bust a move! Well done however, for fighting the urge to dance, as I’ve seen other people do this. 

It’s not a pretty sight.

Bye Girl Bye

We have no words.

We gays will find liking your favorite video games, movies, anime or anything nerdy in general on social media (sometimes just having an account on PSN) creates a response for catfish to pounce.

The amount of fake accounts that send flirty messages and friend requests is creepily high. It’s a shame to think some straight people fall for this, as it must happen for a reason. 

It reminds me of when club promoters hand me free drinks tickets for strip clubs. As is the case, honey, you’re pressing B up the wrong tree! This prince is in another castle! Foe used ATTRACT. But it failed!

Conflama, Drama, Rigory, Tomfoolery, Shenanigans, and Buffoonery

Only a ‘true’ gaymer will understand.

Who doesn’t like more than a bit of drama? So why not virtually create your own? There are definitely different variants to this but the general idea for me was to play The Sims and create a house for a large number of people to live in. Big Brother, who? 

I then slowly decided who didn’t like each other and whoever seemed to be the least liked would be “evicted”. This was super hard to do this back during The Sims 2, as there were boundaries, like the amount of Sims you can have in one house and how the other Sims react to Sims leaving the house, etc. These days with the help of mods, it couldn’t be easier.

It rarely ever went to plan or ever finished. Sometimes I would add in people I knew or even celebrities. Yeah, I was a weird kid, but I know I’m not the only one! I know for a fact people did this too… 

Please? Maybe it was just me.

Celebrity Deathmatch the She-quel!

Fight, fight, fight!

Speaking of drama, who can remember that time Justin Bieber punched a paparazzi in the face, or when Cardi B threw a shoe at Nicki Minaj or when Dr. Phil kicked Micheal Jackson in the face… 

Wait, what? That last one didn’t exist? Ow, sorry I must have been playing  Super Smash Bros Ultimate again.

Downloading all the kickass famous celebrities in the form of custom Miis on Super Smash Bros Ultimate and making them fight is something a lot of people do but does your personal Mii roster contain the likes of RuPaul, Lady Gaga, Wendy Williams and Beyonce? Of course it does!

That concludes 10 things that confirmed my gay-ness even more! How many can you relate with? Of course, this is just a fun exageration on gay culture and video games and doesn’t make you more or less gay than you already were.

Just how many did you get?

Mahin Kesore

[He/Him] Mahin (pronounced similar to machine... Mahin the machine will also do!) is from the lovely island of Mauritius but grew up in east London which means he'll stab you if you're a Dodo! He likes long walks across the beach, big d***, and fried chicken!